Morphine
by Jack10
Summary: Lucas looks on the dark side of the terminator line.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I would treat them really nice if they were! (Ok, they might get elfed, but nothing major;)

  


Authors note: Suicidial ideations. If this disturbs you, stop reading here.   


  


Lucas walked in his quarters, quietly closing the door behind him. His mind was whizzing in a million different directions. He turned on the monitor closest to him, then turned on playlist 5. It was all the Pink Floyd albums. The Final Cut was the first album. He sat on his bunk to think.   


Lucas stared at the wall, not really seeing it, just letting his eyes focus on it. It provided his brian with the simpleness it needed. He struggled to find a positive solution to this problem, but it wouldn't come. He was about to lose the most important thing in his life, and there was nothing he could do about it. They said it would be ok, that they would come back, but he knew otherwise. Nothing he loved ever came back. It was kind of like death. Once you let what you loved go, it was gone forever.   


Death...that was no new thought. He only had a small portion of his brain that wanted to live. The other, largest part considered death ok. Death accepted everyone, not really caring who or what you were. It didn't really care how you got there, just glad you were there.   


The smaller portion of his brain fought to keep sane, to not join the other part. It still held the hope that the promises would come true, that they would come back. It argued loudly, screaming that something good could come in this life, he just had to find it.   


The larger part only laughed. Every time something good happened, it had a bad ending.   


Lucas laughed as tears ran down his face. He could almost hear the sides of his brain argueing. He wondered if he was really losing it, finally having the last break down. It was funny, once he finally let the break down take effect, life became very clear, almost fighteningly easy to distinguish right form wrong.   


He gently wiped the tears from his cheeks. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to die. He wanted to live, just to spite the people that said he'd never make it on his own. He laughed ironically at the knowledge that if he were dead it really wouldn't matter what those people thought. He didn't want to die in pain, he'd already felt enough of that.   


He wanted to die simply in his sleep. He knew several medications that would nicely take care of that. It was kind of sad, but he knew exactly how much morphine would kill him. It was a relatively simple way to die, all he had to do was give the injection. He would calm down, his body would relax, hell, he might even have a nice hallucination or two, then his respirations would slowly start to decrease. That was the bad side effect of morphine that doctors had to take into consideration. It was a wonderful anti-anginal, but it also decreaed your respirations. He had studied enough medications to know what did what.   


He relaxed onto his bunk, stareing at the aqua tude. He didn't know which way he was going to go, but then again, he never did. He laid back letting himself fall asleep. 


	2. Nathan's thoughts

Disclaimer: Don't own them.....or myself...or any of my other personalities;)   
Authors note: This is the part 2 of morphine. This could be in any season, take your pick. Sorry about the moody stories-it's been a very sucky 2 months.   


Nathan Bridger sat in his quarters, trying to figure out Lucas' reaction. He knew how much he meant to the boy, hell, the kid meant just as much to him. Lucas tolerated the parental concern Nathan showed with recepratory feelings. Their relationship was one that went deeper(in a different sense) than he and Robert could have had. Lucas was almost a combination of Carol and Robert. He shared Nathan's interest in science and new things much like Carol did, yet he also challenged him in ways that only Robert could have.   
  


Nathan looked over at the hydro tunnel. The consistent waves created a calming effect. He still was figuring out Lucas' moods and expressions. Nathan shook his head at the thought that came to him. The person that knew Lucas was Tim. He could tell what mood Lucas was in way before anyone else could. Nathan knew the reason Tim knew was from the way the man watched people. He was a quiet, reserved, almost shy person. He would talk , but he listened for verbal clues, as well as watching your face for visual clues.   
  


Nathan was almost haunted by the way Lucas' expressions had changed. He had entered with a typical look of 'the computer god is here'. That had quickly changed after they had started talking. His expression went from inquisitive to one of shock. It didn't take any advanced degree to see the boy had been shaken. Nathan almost hadn't finished what he was saying. He tried to explain his reasoning to Lucas, but by then the boy's face had become a mask. Nathan hated to see that expression. It was one that he had seen, before he had really gotten to know Lucas.   
  


He knew Lucas hid most of his feeling, burying them so that no one could see if they'd hurt him. He had watched Lucas smile through any pain, never letting on anything was up. Nathan had finally gotten the boy to open up to him, to make him let some of his feelings out. It wasn't healthy, plus, everyone needed a friend to talk to. Nathan had talked to Darwin after Carol's death, even crying with his head against Darwin's melon. Darwin had just floated there, trying to understand and be supportive.   
  


Nathan laughed quietly at the memories of Darwin trying to make him feel better, trying to take care of him. He would bring Nathan a fish if he thought Nathan hadn't eaten. The strangest part with that was he would chatter at him until he cooked and ate it.   
  


Bridger's thoughts turned back to the floppy haired blond 'kid' he knew was upset. He knew his decision was something he had to go with, but yet he also knew he'd have to make Lucas understand it. He owed him an open discussion. He wanted him to know that he wasn't leaving him, abandoning him to a principle.   
  


He sat back, trying to figure out how to explain it, to make him see the reason. Nathan wanted him to see that he would never run out on him, that he was loved.   
  


He decided to let the issue go until the next morning, hopefully then he could make Lucas see the truth; make him see that he would be back . 


	3. Sappy ending

Disclaimer: I wish they were mine.   
  


Authors note: This is the 3rd part of Morphine. The same apology- sorry about the moods!( At least this one has a happy if not sappy ending;)   
  


Nathan walked down the hall to Lucas' quarters. He had finally figured out basically what he would say to the genius. He stopped at the door, then took a calming breath before knocking. A annoyed voice said come in. Nathan opened the door, then looked over at the computer desk. Lucas was staring aimlessly at one of the monitors. He had large dark circles under his eyes. Nathan mentally kicked himself, knowing he was the cause of Lucas' sleepless night.   
  


Lucas looked up at him with sadly vacant eyes.   
  


"What do you need?"   


Nathan sighed. He knew Lucas wouldn't be easy to talk with.   
  


"Lucas, can we sit down and talk about this?"   


"Why, what is there to discuss? You've made up your mind."   


"Part of it is, but I do want you to understand part of the reason I'm doing this."   


"Why do I have to understand?"   


Lucas was getting defensive. He didn't know what Nathan wanted, but then, he didn't want to show he cared. He trusted Nathan, letting him see behind the wall. Part of him thought maybe he was really wanting to explain, yet the defensive part thought Nathan was only there to rub salt in the open wound.   
  


Nathan studied the boy's face as conflicting emotions flashed.   
  


"Lucas, I know this hurt you. I didn't mean for it to, but I did.. I have to do what is right. I will be back. I am not leaving you."   


Lucas looked up at Nathan slightly confused. His exterior defense faltered slightly.   
  


"Then what are you doing?"   


"I have to do this. I will be back, I could never leave you."   


"Why not, my parents did."   


"Lucas, I'm not your parents. You are as much a son of mine as Robert is. I never left him, I'm not going to leave you."   


The growing confusion inside Lucas was starting to show through the outside wall. His parents had never said anything like that. He searched Nathan's face for any signs he was lying or trying to comfort him. There were none.   
  


"Are you serious, or just trying to make me feel better?"   


"Completely serious. I would never play head games with you."   
  


Nathan could see he was making progress. He slowly walked to Lucas' chair, then pulled Lucas to him. Lucas tensed up, then relaxed. He wrapped his arms around Nathan's waist. Nathan's arms went around his shoulders, making him feel safe.   
  


Nathan could feel Lucas shuttering and his shirt slowly getting wet. He subconsciously started to rub Lucas back and talk in soothing tones.   
  


Lucas knew he should feel ashamed for crying in front of the Captain, yet Nathan didn't seem to care.   
  


They finally pulled apart. Lucas looked into Nathan's eyes. Nathan could see the innocent trust gleaming in them. He pulled Lucas close again, trying to cement the knowledge that he would always be there for him into the boy's brain.   
  


"Promise you're coming back?"   
  


Nathan nodded.   
  


"Nothing can stop me."   


Lucas relaxed against Nathan, finally feeling he could completely trust another person.   
  
  
  



End file.
